Hrm, I’ve noticed that a lot can happen in a short span of time… It’s almost crazy, my whole life could happen in like two minutes… but yeah… Random rant / post for today.

So lately, I’ve been keeping this bad habit of sleeping late, staying up all night… It’s not that I have insomnia or that many problems to keep me up, just… procrastinating…

I don’t think I’ve ever noticed this until recently but… boys are actually quite sensitive. Like… really sensitive. Even maybe up to the point to being more emotional than the most delicate girl… Okay, I understand girls and guys are both human and yes I acknowledge they all have feelings but oh my goodness, did guys really have an inner girl inside them? I’m not talking about all guys or even a majority, because I would not know, but just people I”ve observed over the past couple of months; people can be so amusing. Biodiversity is good.

What happened to those cool, charismatic guys who hold their feelings in in front of girls?
Or did they only “exist” in movies?

haha, ps.
You saw me incorrectly. I thought you said you were able to perceive how long people may last? Without fail? Guess you were wrong this time.
But what’s weird is, I wish you were right about this… us.

Currently listening to 당신의 조각들 by Epik High

I’ve slacked way too much. Up to the point where my grades don’t even look like grades… They seem as Japanese letters or something… It’s not even in my lexicon. Not only that, I’ve been losing connections with my friends at school and church… I don’t know what’s been going in my head, but everything definitely came out and didn’t stay in.

I had yet another break down yesterday. I couldn’t find one of the most important papers of my high school year but God mercifully helped me find it… I can’t believe He still blessed me after all I’ve done and NOT done… I don’t deserve… I don’t think I ever will… But I’m truly grateful, I need to start shaping up again… I want to return to my previous mind-set… Apart from the world… What’s going on with me?

I blame myself for this. For not being able to prioritize correctly nor being able to manage my time wisely. Ever since the end of Summer… Some things shouldn’t have happened.

I hate all this anger and frustration just boiling inside me… I need this break, retreat… I really do. I need to get away from all the people and places here… I need to reconnect with God again… the signal doesn’t seem to be so good over here…

Currently listening to Love Like Woe by The Ready Set

Honestly, I don’t know what to say… It’s not fair. I’m so frustrated, I’m just going to rant. At first, it wasn’t even you… You came later… Then, this became a “competition” or some game for you. You played the game very well. There were many rounds. I’ll admit, you lost some, won some… but only the result matters, right?

You won first place but you threw away the prize.

He gave up for us… what became now, nothing. Unfortunately, and I’m not going to lie, I’m not angry, I’m just frustrated and upset. And I’m sorry, that past weekend was all my fault… I won’t blame you… I just wish I could rewind and replay that weekend over again… I hate this, I wanted to talk to you, just us, about everything… I was willing to open my door to you… but even before I got to unlock myself, you slammed the door shut. Is that even possible? I still have a lot to say to you… I want to thank you for many things and apologize for other things… Would you just give me another opportunity to talk it out with you? I’m not asking for another chance… I’ll accept your decision… I just want to clear this fog inside of me up.

So I fell for you too late, is that right? Why does it seem like I’m always lagging behind everyone else…

Advice for the week: Beware of an opporunity too good to be true.

Currently listening to 못헤 by 4men.

hehe. P.s. As a side note, I’d like to thank DK! Most people at school call me Kay now! I love that short, simple, name. Thanks thanks.

I think I’ve stated this before but one of my favorite oppas told me he would cease to talk to me after I entered college. He “knew” that I would change… He assumed that I would end up partying and drinking… end up cursing and turning out like him… Thanks oppa. Your care for me has helped me grown into a stronger person… but oppa, I promise you, I won’t turn out like that… I know college and high school are totally different… But oppa, I’m different too. We all are, and I hope to prove to you that I won’t be what you expect me to turn out as. I’ll still be your dongsang. The little noob who doesn’t understand half of your street talk… who hasn’t experienced half the experiences you have… the friend who’ll keep her promise. Really. Besides, I’m being influenced enough here already and I’m totally clean. I don’t think that the increased amount of people doing the same things would impact me… I hope. But after this event… I’m scared. Honestly. I’m afraid to go to college. I don’t want to go… Oppa, I miss you. I really hope to see you before I leave to college. Much love. Thank you so much for being frank with me.

With that said… Here goes my small note to a friend…

Dear you,
It’s been a very long time since we talked. I have so much I would love to tell you as a person. There are many confessions and secrets I intended to let you know… but because of my weak self I held it inside me. Now you’re gone… temporarily. At least out of my sight and reach… I know we will see each other again, soon I’m hoping but… I hope that when I do see you again, you would be the same. The same person who gave me butterflies every time I saw you. The same person who would encourage me regardless of my hopeless complaining and situations. The same person who would listen to my rantings and advise me. And honestly, you were too kind to me, I wish I could atone you and wish that you would forgive me for many things… We got close too fast and apart even quicker. I know that you haven’t changed but your “actions” have… I don’t see you any different because inside I know you’re still, you.

And to be candid, yes, I am quite disappointed. You told me confidently that you weren’t the type of person who would follow the crowd; but look at you now… you’re not following the crowd… you are the crowd… at least a part of it.

I wonder how I would turn out to be in college… Would I be part of that typical crowd of this typical society?

Currently listening to 여우비 by J-Walk.

So, I made a tumblr! (everyone else did too, sort of band wagon)

catch me there then!

ConfessionsOfKay.tumblr.com

This past week was crazy! Most random weather, from the most humid heats to coldest rainfalls…. I’ve had a bunch of laughs and unfortunately, one of the scariest moments of my life. I wish I was permitted to elaborate further about these moments but… I’m not allowed. For now.

All individuals on earth are typical beings. We all have similar necessities, demands, needs, and desires… We even think the same way and clash in the same direction. The world is strictly split down the middle, between the “good” and the “bad’. More and more, everything is becoming clear.

I’m starting to realize things I once that was impossible to comprehend. As we grew, as I grow, I”m more and more exposed to harm and “evil”. And increasingly, I’m losing all my battles. It’s hard to win when everyone else around me seems to be following one direction and crashing into me while I”m moving in the other direction. What is right or wrong? What is normal and what is not? How is anyone to say what is normal and not? The world if filled with eclectic opinions and beliefs. How are we all supposed to unite as “one”?
When we, ourselves,  are killing each other?
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Someone told me stress was actually good… As my naïve self, I cannot understand how stress is good for someone… (?) Stress only increases worries and feelings of anxiety. It leaves someone restless and exhausted. Tell me, what is good about stress?
What I dislike about stress is not stress itself, but what causes it.

I guess typical reasons for my stress are what most teenagers my age go through… family disputes, friend dramas, college… even relationships. Even though my world is so diminutive and insignificant towards the world, I feel as if my little stresses are everything.

I’ll just have to hope that everything will eventually be all right. If I beg earnestly for rain, I’ll be carrying around an umbrella.
Hope is knowing that people are like kites are made to be lifted up.

Currently listening to 웃음만 by 지아.

The only way to go through pain is with laughter.

You wouldn’t expect the most intelligent person to miss a simple math problem… You wouldn’t expect the nicest girl to yell at someone for spilling water… You wouldn’t expect the most sanguine & energetic girl to reach her lowest point in life…
Would you?

I thought my life would be better after the retreat. I thought everything would go my way; I felt this utter feeling of confidence and fierceness. I was wrong. I was totally terrified. I don’t know of what… I just had a feeling of uneasiness… I felt confident that with God by my side, everything would be okay. Okay as in, everything had to go the way I wanted.

It didn’t.

Before I visited my sick grandma, I was full of determination and resolve. I believed that, that was the day I would tell her God loved her. That she didn’t have to be afraid to pass away. I promised myself I would, no matter what. No matter what my parents would think of me; even as some religious freak.
I broke my promise. In fact, I shattered it. I ripped it apart.

I couldn’t do it. I sat watching her, I only had the strength the hold back my tears. My insides were screaming, dying to get out. It was boiling. I watched her weak, gray eyes… I heard her faint, soft voice… I felt her wrinkled, fragile hand… knowing she wouldn’t last forever…

I promise, I wanted to tell her. I promise I knew every word that was going to come out of my mouth… but for some reason my mouth was locked. I was afraid. Not of her reaction, but how my family would look at me. How they would scold me for saying something ridiculous, such as, “God loves you hal mun ee.” I was petrified. I just sat and watched her… I was left to just sit and pray for her.

I wasn’t ready to lose her. And I’m glad God did not call for her, yet. I feel like God will really use me for her. If not, anyone else; I would still be over joyed. I just want her to know of His love. It’s okay even if she isn’t save. I just want her to know that someone or something loves her so much. Despite, her always complaining how she was always “wrong” and complaining about all her past mistakes… regardless, that He loved her. No matter what.

Now, she’s a lot better. I feel like God is giving me another chance, to regain my strength and courage to speak to her. This time, I won’t fail. This time, it’s not a promise; it would be my purpose.
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Additionally, referring back to my temper… controlling my own temper is a lot harder than I thought it would be… No matter how many times I tell myself that I can control myself; I can’t. It’s like another aspect of me, isn’t me. When I’m angry, I feel like a mindless puppet. My emotions are stringed and that satan is controlling them… manipulating each string to his wish. But I’ve learned. I’ve learned to cut those strings, through God.

Never had I thought shedding blood was so painful. Both physically and emotionally. I’m a vase. A vase that has been shattered to pieces on the ground. Although, I have been repaired and mended, people can still see the cracks on me. Cracks that can be covered with a little  paint, but they will never go away. I may hide my emotions with a fake smile or laughter, but my pain inside will never be forgotten.

I have once thought that this world would be better off without me. I was wrong. I am so diminutive compared to this large world. The world wouldn’t even notice my disappearance. I might as well make the best of my own small life then. Like each person, even if famous people such as Michael Jackson passed away, the world moves on. Time moves on. Each living thing on earth is of small significance to the whole earth.

People only chase after their happiness… something that will never last.

Currently listening to: 꺼져 줄게 잘 살아 by G.NA featuring 용준형 of Beast.

“Speak from your heart, you’ll have a lot more to say.”

There were many things in my head that kept replaying over and over. I wanted to get rid of them, so I decided to be real today. This post. Right now, at this moment.

What was weird was that, lately I’ve come across many “best friend advice” scenarios. Experiences from myself, cliché movies, and from others.

Why do people have “best friends”? Are they here for people to share similarities? Compare differences? To give and receive? I think the reason why many people have a best friend is because, people need someone to talk to, needing someone to listen to their hardships and circumstances… So what. Even if the “best friends” do listen and give advice, half the people don’t even listen to that advice. People seem to just want comfort or pity.

Don’t ask me if you won’t take my answer into consideration.

This is how I feel now. I wonder how my close friends felt before… When I was some obsessed freak. Young and naïve. Fickle and clumsy. I’m sorry for not listening to you guys, I realize now, how stupid I must have looked… And because I know this…
I want to help you.

Don’t you understand? I’ve been sitting here, attentive for you, caring for you. I hurt myself over stupid things before too, so I don’t want you to do the same. Why don’t you listen?! Why do you ask and ignore?  It’s frustrating. I know our situations aren’t the same, but they’re similar. This will result only into a regret. Into bitter hatred. And I know you know this because this had already happened.  That girl was the same as my the boy. Treating us to make us feel special, leaving us hanging when they want, knowing our feelings and crushing over them. And haven’t you noticed?! It only made you angry; it made me angry.

Then, there are these “maybes” that comfort us, that give us hope. Maybe they’re not doing that on purpose, maybe they feel the same for us… maybe.

Maybe for you it can be different. But for me, it wasn’t. This passed. And you’re not going to believe it but, I’m actually very happy now.

If you’re not content with the result, then it’s not the end.

So stop clinging onto a piece of string that will soon rip. Here, I’m lending, giving you rope, grab onto it. Even though rope won’t last forever, it will last longer than the thread you’re desperately clinging onto.

P.S. I take back about me wanting to rewind, I just want my life to keep rolling tape. No more pauses. No time nor reason to look back. I’m not going to move forward if I keep looking back. The future’s looking bright. Yesterday was a storm, tomorrow has plenty of sunshine in store. Literally.

Currently listening to: 죽을 만큼 아파서 by MC몽 featuring Mellow.
This is how I used to feel and this is how you feel now.

There was this random saying I encountered not to long ago… and it stated that “people live to chase after happiness“… I find that true. I noticed, there is nothing that we have to do. Us humans, do it because we “want” to. We follow rules in order to avoid trouble. We go to school for a “better future”. We even brush our teeth in order to prevent cavities or to have bright white teeth… But honestly, ask yourselves, do we have to do those things?

No one on this earth knows exactly why we were born or why we are living; at least those who don’t know of God. So what purpose does the humans have? Us, individuals?
For me, I think my purpose in life is to be used by God, in ways that I would be able to share my experience of His love, so that maybe people would experience it too… or at least that is what I wish…
How about for those who do not know of His love?

Hrm, I guess as of before, I wanted what every other little girl would dream of, a man in her life. It’s so typical and quite pathetic. We all want to be loved and have someone to love. But we all don’t realize that we do have someone or something… Jesus.
It may sound cliché, but it’s true.

When you come across an invention you have never seen before, how do you find out what its purpose is? Well, one thing, you can infer, but you’ll never know if that is the exact reason why it was made. The other thing you could do is, ask the creator. Like us, it’s hard to believe science that we were just “made”. And I guess it’s even harder to believe that this “holy creator” exists and made us out of clay… But at least in that case, we have “someone” to ask, instead of asking “science”. Can’t we see? That we have someone to ask why we’re living, why we’re made? We just haven’t asked. We just couldn’t see. And may be the answer won’t come right away, but there is an answer.

There is a purpose in my life, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but it’s definitely not searching for the one to love.

Currently listening to: Can’t U See by 손담비.

For the past couple months, I have been non-stop worrying about college… I worried so much that my studies became my idol. It came before God. It came before my family. It came before my friends.
My studies were dominating my life.

Until my retreat. You can say as of RIGHT now, this may be “spiritually high”. But I’m going to prove to myself that it’s not. Until this retreat, God was forgotten. He was hidden behind covers, faded in my life… I took advantage of Him. I was patiently waiting for my inevitable punishment from Him.

Retreat came… To be honest, I lied to attend this retreat… I won’t say specifically how or what I lied about… but that was the biggest reason I was waiting for my punishment… But miraculously… God just overwhelmingly blessed me through out the WHOLE retreat. I knew God loved me… but I learned how much He loved me… I wasn’t sure exactly why I was alive… but I learned that I had a purpose in life. That I wasn’t a mistake. I was born on November 8th, 1992, for a reason.

This retreat, honestly was not like ANY other retreat I have attended… There wasn’t a certain day to be emotional in, such as the last night of a retreat (usually). Each and EVERY day of this retreat was filled with passion and emotion for the Lord… The first night, I cried because I was upset at myself… but at the end, I cried because I was joyful. I believe this was the honest, first true “tears of joy”.

Today, July 4th, 2010, I was baptized. For me, I thought baptism was just a simple process of  being dunked under the water… but I learned that it meant a lot more. For one thing, I truly confessed that I wanted to give up my life for the Lord. Second, I don’t think I would have been able to be baptized in front of ANY OTHER church, family, than Young Sang. This is truly the first church where there was an intimacy between one another. Honestly, I feel so free at this church, this home. I don’t have to hide secrets, I can be loud and still, people accept me. Before, I had a hunch that at earlier churches, people did not accept me for who I am. I had to wear many masks in order to be accepted… I had to not only lie to others, but even to myself.  But now, that doesn’t matter, I TRULY, TRULY, believe that God has brought me to this church. There really is a purpose for meeting certain friends.

There really is a purpose for my life; I may not know right now but, I won’t worry anymore, God is on MY side. He has plans for me, for He had said so Himself.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
-Jeremiah 29:11-

With this ALONE, there is no more room for depression in my heart. My heart’s overflowing with God’s love, why the heck should I ever be upset about life?

Though it does not mean I will not still try my best in life… I’ll try my best so that God can do the rest.

Currently listening to: The Stand by Hillsong Song United

P.S. I wish I had to time to talk to Andy and J.R.
I wish I had time to personally thank you guys… Hopefully someday if you guys EVER got to read this, I’m truly thankful. Thank you for baptizing me today as well… This is definitely one of the dates I cannot forget. I hope you enjoyed our retreat as well!

ASDFJKL; Thank you so much Lord! For blessing an ordinary girl who does NOT deserve this at all. I am desperate for you Lord. Truly hungry and thirsty.