Update: I cannot stop comparing my hot temper to the flaming weather… It’s like as the weather gets hotter, so does my temper.
You wouldn’t expect the most intelligent person to miss a simple math problem… You wouldn’t expect the nicest girl to yell at someone for spilling water… You wouldn’t expect the most sanguine & energetic girl to reach her lowest point in life…
Would you?
I thought my life would be better after the retreat. I thought everything would go my way; I felt this utter feeling of confidence and fierceness. I was wrong. I was totally terrified. I don’t know of what… I just had a feeling of uneasiness… I felt confident that with God by my side, everything would be okay. Okay as in, everything had to go the way I wanted.
It didn’t.
Before I visited my sick grandma, I was full of determination and resolve. I believed that, that was the day I would tell her God loved her. That she didn’t have to be afraid to pass away. I promised myself I would, no matter what. No matter what my parents would think of me; even as some religious freak.
I broke my promise. In fact, I shattered it. I ripped it apart.
I couldn’t do it. I sat watching her, I only had the strength the hold back my tears. My insides were screaming, dying to get out. It was boiling. I watched her weak, gray eyes… I heard her faint, soft voice… I felt her wrinkled, fragile hand… knowing she wouldn’t last forever…
I promise, I wanted to tell her. I promise I knew every word that was going to come out of my mouth… but for some reason my mouth was locked. I was afraid. Not of her reaction, but how my family would look at me. How they would scold me for saying something ridiculous, such as, “God loves you hal mun ee.” I was petrified. I just sat and watched her… I was left to just sit and pray for her.
I wasn’t ready to lose her. And I’m glad God did not call for her, yet. I feel like God will really use me for her. If not, anyone else; I would still be over joyed. I just want her to know of His love. It’s okay even if she isn’t save. I just want her to know that someone or something loves her so much. Despite, her always complaining how she was always “wrong” and complaining about all her past mistakes… regardless, that He loved her. No matter what.
Now, she’s a lot better. I feel like God is giving me another chance, to regain my strength and courage to speak to her. This time, I won’t fail. This time, it’s not a promise; it would be my purpose.
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Additionally, referring back to my temper… controlling my own temper is a lot harder than I thought it would be… No matter how many times I tell myself that I can control myself; I can’t. It’s like another aspect of me, isn’t me. When I’m angry, I feel like a mindless puppet. My emotions are stringed and that satan is controlling them… manipulating each string to his wish. But I’ve learned. I’ve learned to cut those strings, through God.
Never had I thought shedding blood was so painful. Both physically and emotionally. I’m a vase. A vase that has been shattered to pieces on the ground. Although, I have been repaired and mended, people can still see the cracks on me. Cracks that can be covered with a little paint, but they will never go away. I may hide my emotions with a fake smile or laughter, but my pain inside will never be forgotten.
I have once thought that this world would be better off without me. I was wrong. I am so diminutive compared to this large world. The world wouldn’t even notice my disappearance. I might as well make the best of my own small life then. Like each person, even if famous people such as Michael Jackson passed away, the world moves on. Time moves on. Each living thing on earth is of small significance to the whole earth.
People only chase after their happiness… something that will never last.
Currently listening to: 꺼져 줄게 잘 살아 by G.NA featuring 용준형 of Beast.
