Broken Promise and Vase

Update: I cannot stop comparing my hot temper to the flaming weather… It’s like as the weather gets hotter, so does my temper.

You wouldn’t expect the most intelligent person to miss a simple math problem… You wouldn’t expect the nicest girl to yell at someone for spilling water… You wouldn’t expect the most sanguine & energetic girl to reach her lowest point in life…
Would you?

I thought my life would be better after the retreat. I thought everything would go my way; I felt this utter feeling of confidence and fierceness. I was wrong. I was totally terrified. I don’t know of what… I just had a feeling of uneasiness… I felt confident that with God by my side, everything would be okay. Okay as in, everything had to go the way I wanted.

It didn’t.

Before I visited my sick grandma, I was full of determination and resolve. I believed that, that was the day I would tell her God loved her. That she didn’t have to be afraid to pass away. I promised myself I would, no matter what. No matter what my parents would think of me; even as some religious freak.
I broke my promise. In fact, I shattered it. I ripped it apart.

I couldn’t do it. I sat watching her, I only had the strength the hold back my tears. My insides were screaming, dying to get out. It was boiling. I watched her weak, gray eyes… I heard her faint, soft voice… I felt her wrinkled, fragile hand… knowing she wouldn’t last forever…

I promise, I wanted to tell her. I promise I knew every word that was going to come out of my mouth… but for some reason my mouth was locked. I was afraid. Not of her reaction, but how my family would look at me. How they would scold me for saying something ridiculous, such as, “God loves you hal mun ee.” I was petrified. I just sat and watched her… I was left to just sit and pray for her.

I wasn’t ready to lose her. And I’m glad God did not call for her, yet. I feel like God will really use me for her. If not, anyone else; I would still be over joyed. I just want her to know of His love. It’s okay even if she isn’t save. I just want her to know that someone or something loves her so much. Despite, her always complaining how she was always “wrong” and complaining about all her past mistakes… regardless, that He loved her. No matter what.

Now, she’s a lot better. I feel like God is giving me another chance, to regain my strength and courage to speak to her. This time, I won’t fail. This time, it’s not a promise; it would be my purpose.
__________________________________________________________________________________________

Additionally, referring back to my temper… controlling my own temper is a lot harder than I thought it would be… No matter how many times I tell myself that I can control myself; I can’t. It’s like another aspect of me, isn’t me. When I’m angry, I feel like a mindless puppet. My emotions are stringed and that satan is controlling them… manipulating each string to his wish. But I’ve learned. I’ve learned to cut those strings, through God.

Never had I thought shedding blood was so painful. Both physically and emotionally. I’m a vase. A vase that has been shattered to pieces on the ground. Although, I have been repaired and mended, people can still see the cracks on me. Cracks that can be covered with a little  paint, but they will never go away. I may hide my emotions with a fake smile or laughter, but my pain inside will never be forgotten.

I have once thought that this world would be better off without me. I was wrong. I am so diminutive compared to this large world. The world wouldn’t even notice my disappearance. I might as well make the best of my own small life then. Like each person, even if famous people such as Michael Jackson passed away, the world moves on. Time moves on. Each living thing on earth is of small significance to the whole earth.

People only chase after their happiness… something that will never last.

Currently listening to: 꺼져 줄게 잘 살아 by G.NA featuring 용준형 of Beast.

Rope > String

Update: People don’t realize until after it’s over. After it’s over, it’s too late.

“Speak from your heart, you’ll have a lot more to say.”

There were many things in my head that kept replaying over and over. I wanted to get rid of them, so I decided to be real today. This post. Right now, at this moment.

What was weird was that, lately I’ve come across many “best friend advice” scenarios. Experiences from myself, cliché movies, and from others.

Why do people have “best friends”? Are they here for people to share similarities? Compare differences? To give and receive? I think the reason why many people have a best friend is because, people need someone to talk to, needing someone to listen to their hardships and circumstances… So what. Even if the “best friends” do listen and give advice, half the people don’t even listen to that advice. People seem to just want comfort or pity.

Don’t ask me if you won’t take my answer into consideration.

This is how I feel now. I wonder how my close friends felt before… When I was some obsessed freak. Young and naïve. Fickle and clumsy. I’m sorry for not listening to you guys, I realize now, how stupid I must have looked… And because I know this…
I want to help you.

Don’t you understand? I’ve been sitting here, attentive for you, caring for you. I hurt myself over stupid things before too, so I don’t want you to do the same. Why don’t you listen?! Why do you ask and ignore?  It’s frustrating. I know our situations aren’t the same, but they’re similar. This will result only into a regret. Into bitter hatred. And I know you know this because this had already happened.  That girl was the same as my the boy. Treating us to make us feel special, leaving us hanging when they want, knowing our feelings and crushing over them. And haven’t you noticed?! It only made you angry; it made me angry.

Then, there are these “maybes” that comfort us, that give us hope. Maybe they’re not doing that on purpose, maybe they feel the same for us… maybe.

Maybe for you it can be different. But for me, it wasn’t. This passed. And you’re not going to believe it but, I’m actually very happy now.

If you’re not content with the result, then it’s not the end.

So stop clinging onto a piece of string that will soon rip. Here, I’m lending, giving you rope, grab onto it. Even though rope won’t last forever, it will last longer than the thread you’re desperately clinging onto.

P.S. I take back about me wanting to rewind, I just want my life to keep rolling tape. No more pauses. No time nor reason to look back. I’m not going to move forward if I keep looking back. The future’s looking bright. Yesterday was a storm, tomorrow has plenty of sunshine in store. Literally.

Currently listening to: 죽을 만큼 아파서 by MC몽 featuring Mellow.
This is how I used to feel and this is how you feel now.

Blind Uncertainty

Update: This summer is supposed to be one of my most stressful and busiest yet, and to be honest, it was. After realizing a lot from the Lord, I feel as if many of my burdens were lifted off and taken care of.

There was this random saying I encountered not to long ago… and it stated that “people live to chase after happiness“… I find that true. I noticed, there is nothing that we have to do. Us humans, do it because we “want” to. We follow rules in order to avoid trouble. We go to school for a “better future”. We even brush our teeth in order to prevent cavities or to have bright white teeth… But honestly, ask yourselves, do we have to do those things?

No one on this earth knows exactly why we were born or why we are living; at least those who don’t know of God. So what purpose does the humans have? Us, individuals?
For me, I think my purpose in life is to be used by God, in ways that I would be able to share my experience of His love, so that maybe people would experience it too… or at least that is what I wish…
How about for those who do not know of His love?

Hrm, I guess as of before, I wanted what every other little girl would dream of, a man in her life. It’s so typical and quite pathetic. We all want to be loved and have someone to love. But we all don’t realize that we do have someone or something… Jesus.
It may sound cliché, but it’s true.

When you come across an invention you have never seen before, how do you find out what its purpose is? Well, one thing, you can infer, but you’ll never know if that is the exact reason why it was made. The other thing you could do is, ask the creator. Like us, it’s hard to believe science that we were just “made”. And I guess it’s even harder to believe that this “holy creator” exists and made us out of clay… But at least in that case, we have “someone” to ask, instead of asking “science”. Can’t we see? That we have someone to ask why we’re living, why we’re made? We just haven’t asked. We just couldn’t see. And may be the answer won’t come right away, but there is an answer.

There is a purpose in my life, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but it’s definitely not searching for the one to love.

Currently listening to: Can’t U See by 손담비.

Desperate

Update: Wow, I haven’t updated since June… Let’s see… Well, I definitely have had a blast this past weekend, but before I get into details of my recent events, I want to update myself from the past month… I’m tired of hearing my parents nag about college and SAT’s… I know it’s important but is it important enough for me to only study?

For the past couple months, I have been non-stop worrying about college… I worried so much that my studies became my idol. It came before God. It came before my family. It came before my friends.
My studies were dominating my life.

Until my retreat. You can say as of RIGHT now, this may be “spiritually high”. But I’m going to prove to myself that it’s not. Until this retreat, God was forgotten. He was hidden behind covers, faded in my life… I took advantage of Him. I was patiently waiting for my inevitable punishment from Him.

Retreat came… To be honest, I lied to attend this retreat… I won’t say specifically how or what I lied about… but that was the biggest reason I was waiting for my punishment… But miraculously… God just overwhelmingly blessed me through out the WHOLE retreat. I knew God loved me… but I learned how much He loved me… I wasn’t sure exactly why I was alive… but I learned that I had a purpose in life. That I wasn’t a mistake. I was born on November 8th, 1992, for a reason.

This retreat, honestly was not like ANY other retreat I have attended… There wasn’t a certain day to be emotional in, such as the last night of a retreat (usually). Each and EVERY day of this retreat was filled with passion and emotion for the Lord… The first night, I cried because I was upset at myself… but at the end, I cried because I was joyful. I believe this was the honest, first true “tears of joy”.

Today, July 4th, 2010, I was baptized. For me, I thought baptism was just a simple process of  being dunked under the water… but I learned that it meant a lot more. For one thing, I truly confessed that I wanted to give up my life for the Lord. Second, I don’t think I would have been able to be baptized in front of ANY OTHER church, family, than Young Sang. This is truly the first church where there was an intimacy between one another. Honestly, I feel so free at this church, this home. I don’t have to hide secrets, I can be loud and still, people accept me. Before, I had a hunch that at earlier churches, people did not accept me for who I am. I had to wear many masks in order to be accepted… I had to not only lie to others, but even to myself.  But now, that doesn’t matter, I TRULY, TRULY, believe that God has brought me to this church. There really is a purpose for meeting certain friends.

There really is a purpose for my life; I may not know right now but, I won’t worry anymore, God is on MY side. He has plans for me, for He had said so Himself.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
-Jeremiah 29:11-

With this ALONE, there is no more room for depression in my heart. My heart’s overflowing with God’s love, why the heck should I ever be upset about life?

Though it does not mean I will not still try my best in life… I’ll try my best so that God can do the rest.

Currently listening to: The Stand by Hillsong Song United

P.S. I wish I had to time to talk to Andy and J.R.
I wish I had time to personally thank you guys… Hopefully someday if you guys EVER got to read this, I’m truly thankful. Thank you for baptizing me today as well… This is definitely one of the dates I cannot forget. I hope you enjoyed our retreat as well!

ASDFJKL; Thank you so much Lord! For blessing an ordinary girl who does NOT deserve this at all. I am desperate for you Lord. Truly hungry and thirsty.